5 perfect gifts for a Writer with Kids

(for spouses & partners of writer-moms and writer-dads)

My husband and I will have been married 30 years this autumn. (we call this “future perfect continuous”). For the last 20 of those years, we have raised kids. For more than ten of those years, I have run a nonprofit that helps writers who have kids stay on creative track. I am also a writer.

Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash

Here are five simple ways to keep your writer with kids happy:

1. Respect their work— this means you don’t ever toss it off as a hobby. Not in public and not in private. Their writing is work. The fact that the novel has been unfinished for six years is irrelevant. If your spouse identifies as a writer, treat them as a writer. The dismaying part of being an artist in America is that you are treated as unemployed unless you are actively in the process of selling your art. It is not sales that make an artist. It is sales that make an artist visible. The artist is an artist whether they are known or not. Your spouse is already suffering because they don’t have enough time to create, but they would be feeling the same way, even if they did not have kids — don’t make it worse by demeaning what little work they can accomplish. Be proud of them: they are a writer. (It may help to consider this: a realtor is still a realtor even if they haven’t ever sold a house.)
2. Never compare incomes — of course, couples with kids need more money to subsist than single people do. You can ask your partner to contribute financially to the household without asking them to earn money from their writing, just as they can expect you to clean up after yourself and the kids without being asked. But it must be their choice if they decide to contribute this income through teaching, writing pharma copy, or something as random as selling cappuccinos. Writers have no control over the sales of their books. They can influence it only by doing marketing and publicity (which are other-people’s-full-time jobs) so never connect the monetary value of their published work to the intrinsic value of their art— and never let money be the way you place value on the relationship.
3. Celebrate their successes — you might not understand why “getting the title right” is cause for a big kiss. You might not understand why cutting 250 words is cause for a huge smile and a back rub. If they took two years to perfect a poem and it is accepted in a magazine that gives two author-copies as “pay”, you have to celebrate that as though they got a six-figure bonus. Art is not monetarily valued in America (see above) and therefore, publication of any sort must be a cause for a big celebration. Do not ask how much they earned or if they earned anything at all from the publication. Just celebrate it. Listen to the tone of the writer’s voice: if they sound discouraged after writing only five words, remind them that this is five words they hadn’t written before. Chances are, your writer is discouraged by the writing industry, and by comparisons to the success and/or productivity of other writers (thanks Social Media). You have to be your writer’s cheerleader. Celebrate any writing they can get done. Celebrate the publications big. This connects back to respecting the work.
4. Offer. Don’t wait to be asked. This is a big one. Offer to take the kids to the park for an hour. Offer to make dinner. Offer to go to grandma’s solo with the kids. Offer to do the dishes. Don’t ASK your partner if they would like you to do these things. Offer it like you actually want to do it (even if you don’t!). Writers with kids usually suffer under the burden of most of the child care obligations because it is patently obvious when a “day-job person” is working and when they are not working, while a writer’s job is frequently invisible. Figuring out a plot twist, developing a character, observing humanity and taking mental notes: none of this can be done well if you’re making sandwiches while a small person is tugging at your leg. But no novel has ever been written without the invisible, mental work.
5. Give the gift of solitude. We know you love us. We love you too. So, give us space, give us time alone. I know a writer who got the gift of a solo weekend in a hotel to do the final edits on her novel, and I have never seen such love and joy in the eyes of a person talking about her spouse. Work out ways the writer can attend a residency — alone — or offer to regularly entertain the kids so your writer can be on a zoom without a two-year old in their lap. The emptier the house, the more writing can happen. Kids instinctively know when their parents are still around, and not to shock anyone, but writers also know when their kids are still around. It’s a feature of being a parent. Writers need as much mental space as possible to create, and the gorgeous result of a finished piece of writing is that a contented writer is more than thrilled to be fully present for that crazy family trip that you’ve been wanting to take.

Enjoy the fun of being with a writer — they are creative, can easily see things from another point of view, know how to find alternative solutions…there are myriad benefits to sticking with us during our crazy moments. Also, when we get mad, we are more likely to kill you off in a story than in real life. Win-win!